It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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