How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
