I just saw a hot homeless man
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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