She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
