If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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