Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
