I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
