I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
