this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
