I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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