EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
