i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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