This is not my ceiling
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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