I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
