man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
