Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
