I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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