Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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