He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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