my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
