your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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