this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
