i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
