so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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