I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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