I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
