When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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