you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
