they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
