Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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