When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
