i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
