were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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