She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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