My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
