Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
one two three fourrrrnication!
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Also, beer. Big fan.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
