this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize