I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
