Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
bring money and cleavage
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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