I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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