woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
