it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
