her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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