I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
