i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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