Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
