I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
