Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
