I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
