That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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