I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
