When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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