Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
