Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
