I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize