pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
