Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
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