anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
