u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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