you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize