ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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