Apparently you make a good broom.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
