Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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