Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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